June 21, 2006

Adventures in Gonads

We've embarked on another Voyage of Discovery in the Big Arm household this summer, as my almost 5-yr old has stumbled across that age-old mystery of male physiology: his testicles.

The rest of this post will appear below the cut, because I care--CARE!--about the delicate sensibilities of my readership.

We are all about the testicles right now, and frankly, although I pride myself on being pretty earthy and matter-of-fact about body parts, the whole testicle thing makes me kind of queasy.

Maybe it's an ingrained sense of sympathy pains from watching Hublet wince whenever some unsuspecting dude takes one in the gonads on America's Funniest Videos, but I've always been of the opinion that when it comes to testicles, it's best to err on the side of caution. You know, Handle With Care and all that.

So the poking, prodding and OH DEAR GOD RETRACTING of the testicles that The Boy indulges in at bath time is just too much for me to handle. Gah.

I find myself saying things like, "Aaahhh! Don't do that--you might hurt yourself and I'll never have grandchildren!" to The Boy as he yells,

"Mommy! Look at my testicles!" and pokes, and prods, and laughs like they're just the greatest play toys EVER.

It started innocently enough. One night in the not-too-distant past after his shower, The Boy was getting dried off when suddenly he became preoccupied. When I went to see what he was doing, he looked up at me and said,

"Mommy, what are these things?"

"Testicles, son."

"Why are they there?"

"Because you're a boy, and boys have testicles."

"Oh. Does daddy have them too?"



And I thought that was it, until I wandered into the den to find a naked boy sitting in a chair studying his newfound boy parts. I told him to get dressed, and that's when he chose to demonstrate his human testicle tricks, and I chose to go find Hublet.

Last night we had a small crisis as The Boy discovered that damp testicles will stick to the inner thigh area.

Since I know less than nothing about the Proper Care and Feeding of Testicles, I'm thinking that until this particular phase passes, or until The Boy gets more proficient at self-cleaning, Hublet should take over the manly bathing duties. I mean, everyone has a limit, and apparently testicles are mine.

Posted by Big Arm Woman at June 21, 2006 01:54 PM

Just wait until you get to the "this penis thing is so cool!" phase. Loads of fun for all.

Posted by: Jonathan at June 21, 2006 08:02 PM

Oh yeah, complete with tugging fit for a bellringer.

Posted by: Michael at June 21, 2006 08:05 PM

Bernard Bolan rhymes ``pest he's'' with ``testes''

I suppose upon sober reflection
That wasn't a wise thing to do
That cat's rather a pest , he's removed both my testes
And various other bits too


if you want a topical new nursery rhyme.

Posted by: Ron Hardin at June 21, 2006 08:56 PM

Two males later, I feel your pain.
All I'm saying.

Posted by: C_M_B at June 22, 2006 11:44 AM

This is the point at which the little girls get "the envy" because they have nothing to play with.

Posted by: Locomotive Breath at June 23, 2006 09:32 AM

Don't worry, as a father of three boys I can assure you that the behavior is self-correcting. The Almighty chose to wire every nerve ending directly into that vicinity precisely because he knew that we'd likely abuse them into disuse without a powerful restraint. And this is why, though many of you women don't believe us, we can actually be injured by the slightest thwack to that area.

Posted by: Tony at June 23, 2006 09:51 AM

Yep: One of the indelible memories in each man's life is the first time he catches one in the tender bits. It's also one of the best spots to kick in a fight. I've seen large men drop to their knees and release their lunch after a good shot to the boys.

Posted by: The Unknown Professor at June 23, 2006 02:04 PM

How true. Every man in the Western world remembers his first pair of zippered pants with horror.

Posted by: PersonFromPorlock at June 23, 2006 08:43 PM

Jonathan: So, how long does that phase last?

Posted by: bearing at June 30, 2006 03:32 PM