February 14, 2006

Gifts I Can Use

Oh, right. It's Valentine's Day. I have neither great love nor flaming hatred for Valentine's Day--I just think that if you're going to stick a random gift-extorting holiday in the middle of the bleak midwinter when everyone is feeling pale, doughy, cold and bloated, you should at least remind people that the gifts can be something useful, or that your beloved would really like.

So if your signifigant other shares any traits with yours truly (which might be a stretch, because I'm not like other girls, according to my co-workers, husband, and every other man I've ever known, but whatever...) here is a list of Valentine's Day gift-giving do's and don'ts:

Don't give me lingerie. Seriously. It's mid-February, I'm still coming off of the "pale, bloated and doughy need to hibernate with flannel and comfort food holiday binge," and I do not even want to THINK about what I will look like encased in satin, lace, or feathers. And if it comes with a thong? Oh, hell no. Even if you do give me lingerie, you will only see it as part of the lacy blur that races past you en route to heavy blankets or a flannel robe. Check the calendar, Romeo. February! It's COLD, dammit!

Same with chocolates. I love chocolates, but don't need any more help with the "bloated and doughy" thing.

No jewelry. I am hard on jewelry, so I will probably destroy anything you get me within 15 minutes of receiving it, I hate "accessorizing," and I always forget to wear it anyway. Plus, every time I look at it I'll be thinking, "How many pairs of shoes would that money have bought? Or DVDs? Or video games? Ack! The wastefulness of it all!"

Flowers? Eh. They're great to get when it's spontaneous; not so much when it's expected, and then they just die. And also I hate chrysanthemums. Violently. Tulips, please.

So I hate everything, right? Not exactly. Here's my idea of the perfect Valentine's gift:

1. Cook dinner.

2. Present me with my own copy of God of War.

3. Get the hell away from me for the rest of the evening.

My needs are simple, people. Possibly not very romantic, but simple.

You may send Hublet your condolences in the comments.

Posted by Big Arm Woman at February 14, 2006 10:16 AM

You are so funny. Thank you.
And I'm with you, except for the jewelry. I used to be a cheap date. Not so much anymore.

Posted by: Kim at February 14, 2006 12:54 PM

I got chocolate-covered strawberries from Godiva.

Posted by: Laura at February 14, 2006 01:25 PM

Along the lines of "get the hell away from me":

"Women can splash a drink in a man's face to repel amorous advances. But lady skunks have a stronger brew they can spray noxious sulfurous musk 15 feet when they're not in the mood."

Posted by: Laura at February 14, 2006 01:39 PM

I'm so with you here. Especially concerning the flowers. On this particular day (and the few leading up to it), flowers cost almost as much as the jewelry! No thanks! If you want to say "I love you", then try buying me flowers some other time when it's not expected! Surprise me for a change! Gah!

I unwittingly went to the grocery store last night to buy soup to make dinner with and almost got trampled on by the ka-jillions of male shoppers buying up all the chocolates/wine/flowers/balloons/cards (oh! the cards!) Must remember this for next year.....

Posted by: angie at February 14, 2006 09:23 PM

One of the reasons my wife is the Greatest Woman in the Universe is that she doesn't care about Valentine's Day.

Posted by: Michael at February 14, 2006 11:55 PM

A vermont teddy bear spot says whoopie slippers are a bad idea. I don't see why.

Posted by: Ron Hardin at February 15, 2006 01:01 AM

Do you have a sister? Wait a minute - damn it - I'm already married.

Posted by: Locomotive Breath at February 15, 2006 09:01 AM

Uh, o.k., thanks for that descent into wackoland. Now go back to posting on Daily Kos.

Seriously, folks, BAW is out of town on assignment at a mind-numbingly boring (at least to my ears) academic conference, and won't return until Saturday. Thus the reason for lack of posts, and for not deleting the above rant from the comments page. If I could do it for you, I would; alas, my knowledge of this blog consists only of knowing how to hit the "preview" and "post" buttons.

Everyone have a good weekend, except for all you disfavored human life forms out there.

Posted by: Husband of BAW at February 16, 2006 09:21 PM

That was hilarious. My spam is never that interesting. I know it will probably be deleted so I'm glad I didn't miss it, even though I skipped parts of it. How come freaks like that never get their own blogs. Oh... right... nobody would read them.

Anyway... what was this about... Oh yeah, Valentines Day. I'm with you; I neither love nor hate it. If I get something that's nice; if not that's okay too. We've been married for 28 and a half years. He doesn't need to do anything to win me. This year he asked me what I wanted (I hate when he does that; it should be totally his idea) and I joked, "A box of chocolates and a Bowflex machine." He got me a box of chocolates and a jump-rope. I thought that was sweet and funny. He did good.

Posted by: Lynn S at February 18, 2006 09:31 PM

LOL....me too about the tulips!

Posted by: lyn at February 19, 2006 10:56 AM

Nothing says "I love you" in the bleak mid-winter like a fine single-malt scotch. Or so this woman believes; and happily her best-beloved is willing to humor her.

Posted by: Carbonel at February 20, 2006 02:41 AM