May 09, 2005

Movies, Movies, Everywhere

Fangirls the world over will probably lynch me for this, but I've gotta get it off my chest: Orlando Bloom cannot carry an adventure movie.

Now, that is not to say that Orlando Bloom doesn't do fresh-faced, naive ingenue well--he does. But that means that he tends to be good in second fiddle roles where he's overshadowed by folks like Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt or evil jewelry and lots of cgi. He's simply too pretty and wispy to be believeable as one who buckles a lot of swash and whose jawline alone is sufficiently strong enough to save the world.

And so that's one reason why I have trepidations about Kingdom of Heaven. Well, that and the fact that it's a giant epic movie about the Crusades, of all things, and as much as the media and Hollywood want to draw our attention to that time period, folks just don't seem to care all that much. Heck, I was training to be a medievalist and I didn't care about the crusades! Just...BORING! Sorry. But still--the crusades don't capture my imagination. Now Jedi knights, on the other hand...or sociopathic billionaires with a taste for vengeance...cinematic gold!

I want my summer films to be light and funny, or else heavy on the adventure with stuff blowing up real good. A movie that drops the ponderous weight of religion and history on the slender shoulders of Orlando Bloom--well, let's just say I'd rather watch Hayden Christensen's wooden Jedi sleepwalk through reams of poorly written angst. Because at least stuff will blow up at the end, and giant Wookies will rip the arms off of stormtroopers and use them as bludgeons. Or something. Plus, you can never have too much James Earl Jones with Asthma. Woo!

And as for the weight of history--if you want to make a summer movie about the dark/middle ages, the Black Plague is the way to go. But we've already had enough movies about the evils of rats to last us for a good, long time. Ben, anyone?

Administrative Update--the contact email address has changed. Please use bigarm at bigarmwoman dot com. I forgot to do the redirect on the comments this weekend, and couldn't figure out why no one had responded to Friday's post. Um, duh.

Posted by Big Arm Woman at May 9, 2005 12:06 PM

We all have days like that...

Posted by: Sgt. Mom at May 9, 2005 04:40 PM

Loved Orlando Bloom as Legolas. It was the perfect role for him. But as a Crusader heavy? No. I agree with you, even though I'm keeping my poster of Bloom/Legolas in the shrine.

I'd like to see a movie made of The Doomsday Book by Connie Willis.

Posted by: Sarah at May 9, 2005 05:28 PM

Connie Willis is gold. But she's successful enough not to need the hollywood gelt and not successful enough to get on board as a screenwriter/consultant ala Rowling. Not to mention how hard the hoping and anticipation and the eventual suckage would be IF it were made.

For every "Lord of the Rings" and "Princess Bride" there are a dozen or so "Wizard of Earthsea"s (

Posted by: Carbonel at May 9, 2005 07:14 PM

I dunno. It seems to me that a movie about the Black Plague would be just another Disease Movie, and I get itchy just seeing movie characters sweat on screen. Anyway, the Middle Ages Plague has been done already.

I actually think that there are a number of great movies just dying to be made about the Crusades; what doesn't seem to exist is the talent to do so. I haven't seen the movie but from what I read of it I'm already disappointed in Ridley Scott, whose Gladiator movie felt right despite the historical comromises that had historians everywhere convulsing so badly their heels met behind their heads.

Posted by: Andrea Harris at May 9, 2005 08:43 PM

Argh. I'm hungry. I meant "the Middle Ages Plague movie."

Posted by: Andrea Harris at May 9, 2005 08:44 PM