March 22, 2005

When In Doubt, Blame the Space Lasers

This week is shaping up to be from hell. Work is exploding in a fairly explodey way, my foot hurts, and I have to co-chaperone a freaking high school prom on Thursday night. Words cannot express my non-excitement at having to stand around in uncomfortable shoes for 4 hours, listening to crap music at high volume and averting my eyes from a bunch of dry-humping teenagers in ill-fitting formalwear. Geez. Whatever happened to "show up for 5 minutes, get picture made, adjourn to hotel for drunken all-nighter?" Yes, I can get behind that, primarily because I don't have a teenage daughter. And because my feet already hurt.

Just brace yourselves for a long-winded post-prom rant, is all I'm saying. My pre-prom rant is pretty damn long-winded, and I haven't even BEEN to the prom yet. Gah.

Anyway, came across this article via somewhere I don't remember--Fark? Who knows. It seems that Arafat was done in by--drumroll, please--Super Sekrit Lasers! To which I can only reply, "COOL! Where can I get one? And can I get a Super Sekrit Space Laser instead?"

Unfortunately, space lasers that can invisibly kill doddering despots don't exist. Which totally bums me out, because think of the applications--and I mean beyond the obvious, "Fry the guys you hate" ones. The existence of invisible destructo-beams from space could effectively absolve you of personal responsibility for anything! Overcooked steak? An errant beam must have struck it! Dead world leader? The next-door neighbor must have hacked the targeting beam! Car won't start? DAMN YOU, SPACE LASERS!

Well, never mind that the lasers don't actually exist. I can blame them anyway. I mean, if it worked for that Palestinian spokesman there's no reason it couldn't work for me.

Posted by Big Arm Woman at March 22, 2005 01:07 PM

I suggest the Bose noise-cancelling headphones (black and silver) or the Pro-Ear Dimension I ear protectors (black and gold) depending on what color jewelery you're wearing to the prom.

The Pro-Ear works for gunfire as well.

Posted by: Ron Hardin at March 22, 2005 02:50 PM

Well, my wife used to work with an ultraviolet laser (you could not see the beam unless you had a fluorescent card and held it in the beam path) that would take your eyeball out, no sweat. But it was too temperamental to make into a weapon. Many's the night I brought dinner to her in a darkened lab and then kept her company while she coaxed the damn thing to work. We never aimed it in Arafat's direction, though.

Does that count?

Posted by: John at March 22, 2005 03:41 PM

John -

Can you mount it on a satellite? Then it would be like the Red Rider BB Gun space laser, and all over the world the users would cry, "You'll put your eye out!"

Posted by: BAW at March 22, 2005 03:46 PM

I'm putting my money on the Super Sekrit Ultra-Low-Frequency-Internal-Organ-Liquefying Sound-Wave generator, myself. I think that's a MUCH more viable technology than "lasers."

(Any time I read a conspiracy-hack writing about "lasers," I hear the word in Dr. Evil's voice, with the little finger-scare-quote gesture)

Posted by: ricki at March 23, 2005 09:53 AM

Looking forward to that prom rant..If you did indeed having to attend.

Posted by: Marie at March 25, 2005 11:40 AM