January 06, 2005

Thursday. No Clever Title.

Let me just get a few things out of the way:

1. Nothing, but NOTHING makes me more homicidal than bottom-feeding mouth breathers from the seventh level of hell who prey upon children. ESPECIALLY children who have just survived a tsunami. And since I have more than a passing knowledge of ancient torture methods and a bit of free time, I have designed a method for dispatching said soulless cretins that should prove extremely satisfying to me.

As you may be enjoying a meal while reading this I will refrain from relating the details of their punishment, but let's just say it involves molten lead, a rusted spike approximately 7 inches long (with a handle), an iron neck collar with serrated edges, fire, salt, 3 very hungry rats, a scalpel and suture kit, long bamboo strips, boiling oil, and a fairly dull hatchet. Car batteries are optional, and frankly, not even necessary once you get to the rats and oil. Imagine what you will.

Rant brought on by Emily.

2. South Carolina drivers are without a doubt the WORST in the country. And I have driven coast to coast, so I know whereof I speak. Yes, worse even than the ancient Floridiots who insist upon driving their 25 year old Buicks up twisting mountain roads at approximately 5 m.p.h. If there's a problem on the highway, you can bet it'll be traced to someone with that damn palm tree on their license plate. Arg.

3. Lost is back! Huzzah! Romance is in the air for Sayid, I think, which could mean that whatsherface is doomed, doomed, doomed. Perhaps they will kill off all the blondes on the island, which means Kate is safe. And I actually liked Sawyer in this episode. Liked him more than Jack, Mr. "I'm gonna be all noble and tell you that your past is your business and doesn't matter until I decide I want to know all about it and you won't tell me and then I'm gonna be all hurt and self-righteous" guy, anyway. I'm also waiting for Locke to go on that killing spree, or turn all Rambo and save the island or else turn into Kurtz from Apocalypse Now--he's already got the scarred bald thing working. And is it just me, or have any of you noticed that on television it's only okay for black people to be unironically religious? 'Cause if white folks are religious on tv shows like this one they're either pedophiles or David Koresh. An odd bit of typecasting, and I shall squelch the Inner English Major right now before I go off on some post-Orientalism rant about the dark-skinned Other being either angel or devil, but never human. Damn. Too late.

Posted by Big Arm Woman at January 6, 2005 09:13 AM

Kleist (``Marquise of O'') had a better version of the angel or devil thing.

Posted by: Ron Hardin at January 6, 2005 10:12 AM

Hilarious. I was going to call you last night as I am now completely and seriously obsessed with Lost. I have so many questions! Is Locke the bald guy (from Alias, killed last season) with the knives? I like Sawyer a LOT and it really, really has nothing to do with his abs. I was so very annoyed with the cloying and cliched African-American, largish, middle-aged religious woman. Come on, are they trying to reign in lost viewership from Touched by an Angel? Also, I've missed so many episodes (8:00 p.m. is just a bad time all around for me) so I don't know what happened to the preggy girl.

Posted by: Belle at January 6, 2005 02:40 PM

Also, no offense to any Palmetto State folks, but geez, I'm so glad someone had the balls to expose the SUCKY DRIVING! Crossing that particular state line is like entering into some strange land where people refuse to acknowledge that their are 1. speed limits 2. other drivers and 3. lanes.

Posted by: Belle at January 6, 2005 02:42 PM

Well, Charlie was really Catholic for part of his own Flashback -- they gave him about five seconds with the priest, and then it was back to the Horrors (Yet, How Alluring) of Rock 'N' Roll. I have the horrid feeling this is all leading up to an "I don't know if there is a God or not, and I don't think it really matters, as long as we Love Each Other!" speech.

The less said by me about the Xtreme Stupidity of this little game with the Mysterious "Halliburton" (huh?) Case the better. I am afraid I don't care much about Little Miss Mysterious and her Mysterious Mystery Past all that much either.

Posted by: Andrea Harris at January 6, 2005 07:46 PM

Oh yeah, I'd forgotten all about Charlie's Priestly Past--dunno if that makes me the winner of the short attention span lottery or if I just wrote it off because I was dreading what they would do with it.

I too fear that we're gonna get existential self-empowerment mushy pseudo-pop-psychology "I'm okay, you're okay" craptastic speechifying at some point, and it'll probably be done by Jack, who I'm REALLY beginning to be irked by.

Same goes for Kate, but I must admit to being curious as to who exactly she murdered. Although it was probably The Tragic Result of A Big Misunderstanding, or something. Me, I'm hoping she's an unrepentant psycho who joins Locke in a giant rampage. Well, not really, but it would make one heck of a series ending.

And yes, Belle, Locke is the bald knife-playing dude.

Posted by: BAW at January 6, 2005 09:57 PM