October 11, 2004

Non-Hyphenated Voter Demographic Manifesto

Dear Pollsters, Demographic Study Makers, Spinners, Marketers and Assorted Faith Popcorn Acolytes:

Hi. Part of what I'm about to share with you will probably be old news; after all, you're all about the data, right? So you already know that I'm a middle-class, female, married, well-educated mom whose hobbies include reading and extremely violent video games and whose turnoffs are bloviating academics, email spam and too much body hair. Yeah. So how about I share something with you that your excruciatingly detailed data about my shopping history may not have clued you in on?

I am not a mindless drone within a voter block. Not a soccer mom, not a security mom, not a crunchy granola stilt wearing ex-hippie mom, not a pro-choice feminist environmentalist mom, nor a SUV-driving "screw Kyoto" mom. I don't take kindly to being lumped into any of these categories, because for some strange and obscure reason, I find it more than a little demeaning that women of a certain reproductive age are subjected to this categorization. You don't hear about the "soccer dad" vote, do you? You don't have academics wetting themselves over the pathetically non-nuanced proletarian threat of the "security daddies," either. What is with you people that you can talk about the "youth vote" or the "AARP vote" or the "conservative base" or the "liberal base" (all of which contain multitudes, thankyewverymuch) but you cannot seem to deal with voting moms unless you've put some ridiculous, outmoded, condescending 19th century throwback piece of shit label on them? Seriously, I read articles fraught with the same sort of breathless horror about the almighty Mom-Voter that used to be reserved for anti-suffrage pamphleting. So I have to ask, what are you people afraid of? That on election day all women will pop two Midol so that our minds will be opened to the Uber-ovary and her voting directions? Or is it that women might be individuals who can make decisions that aren't based upon what they're driving or their kid's choice of extra-curricular sport?

My ovaries are telling me that it's probably the latter. Uncertainty's a bitch, isn't it? And so is this voter.

Posted by Big Arm Woman at October 11, 2004 02:41 PM

Actually, there is the "NASCAR-Dad" designation that has been out there for a couple of years. And while I don't watch/follow NASCAR, I suspect I vote the same way those designees do.

But, as you know, dear, elites with high-culture tastes like me ought to be placed in the "Philosophe-Dad" voting bloc...

Hey - tonight can I take a couple of hours to practice the "Play-Action X-Fly" passing route on my EA Sports NCAA 2005 game? I need to get that down before delving back into my Dynasty Mode for the big match-up with Wake Forest! Thanks!

Posted by: Husband of BAW at October 11, 2004 03:46 PM

Women do not vote like men, as a total. The differences favor what you say, security. Basically, you can't trust men, is the idea, and the state is a nice backup to have. Can't be too careful. This is why it was a mistake to give women the vote.

However it is only about 40% of women that are the problem. The other 60% are fine. It's profiling.

This 40% is also responsible for the content of news programs, 100% soap opera all the time. They're the only reliable audience. Everybody else is not watching except for the occasional national scoop, which is not enough to pay for a news division.

If the 60% of women were really clever, they'd be lobbying to take away women's vote to put an end to the 40%'s dragging down the country. National character would improve.

After all, the men still vote.

Posted by: Ron Hardin at October 11, 2004 03:58 PM

Thank heavens!! A real voice of reaons!!

Posted by: dick at October 11, 2004 04:02 PM

That some moms are putting the safety of their children and family ahead of other political issues is scaring the crap out of other moms? The hell?!

Personally, I think the article author lives out west where the events of 9/11 are more of a historical fact than something they lived thru. Hey, I live 150 miles away from the towers, and I certainly did the happy dance that hubbie wasn't in the city that day (unfortunately, neighbors and friends weren't that lucky). That some moms woke up that day and noticed that the world isn't fluffiness and light isn't a shock to me.

And the part of the article about protecting all of the children in the world and not just your own...

Well, I would stand up and defend a child in danger - even from another child - and I'd love for every child to go to bed every night fed and comfortable. Hubbie would, too, although the need to protect the defenseless is a lot stronger in him than in me.

But - and this may be a news flash for the article's author - if you think I am worried about living conditions anywhere when my son wakes up crying in pain at 4 in the morning due to a hip infection, you'd be wrong.

Of course, I'm not using my children as a vehicle for a political statement, so it isn't exactly a surprise that I can't seem to freak out along with the writer.

Posted by: di at October 12, 2004 10:03 AM

The idea that all people are individuals and have beliefs and preferences based on a wide variety of unique experiences scares business, government and any of the other large, lumbering entities that affect our lives. It would be so much easier if we were all cookie-cutter clones.

It reminds of the time, before the Do-Not-Call list, that I received a call about magazines subscriptions. Usually I hang up on telemarketers, but I was apparently in an expansive mood that day. I was offered a subscription to a golf magazine. I did not want a golf magazine. I do not golf. This perplexed the telemarketer. That I was a male of a particular age and zip code meant that I MUST golf. The demographics said so.

My annoyance at being told I "must" enjoy any specifc thing was tempered a tiny bit with satisfaction in not conforming to the assumptions of some database.

Posted by: dhanson at October 12, 2004 05:00 PM

I'd love to meet that lady in a fancy food store (you know that's the only place she'll enter to buy groceries) and walk up to her and say "Hi! I'm a Security Mom!" Do you think she'd shriek and faint? That would be so cool.

No, I'm not any kind of mom, I don't even play one on tv, but I am a sadistic bitch. Especially when it comes to mewling milksops like this Sepulveda woman. What can I say; they just bring out my inner Death Shrew.

Posted by: Andrea Harris at October 12, 2004 10:47 PM