June 18, 2004

How To Enjoy Troy

  1. Have absolutely no knowledge of The Iliad, Homer, or Greek Mythology beyond reruns of Xena: Warrior Princess.
  2. Yell "Hector SMASH!" at the screen every time Eric Bana comes on.
  3. Mentally calculate the gallons of body oil used on the male actors for all the scenes of half-naked manly-chested men washing, or fighting, or boinking, or some combination thereof.
  4. Hum Madonna's Vogue every time Achilles strikes a pose with his sword, which would be approximately once per scene he's in.
  5. Every time Orlando Bloom appears, yell the condom slogan "Trojan MAAAAN!"
  6. Mentally calculate the number of tubes of waterproof mascara that they used on the women in the film, who do nothing but cry, cry, cry, boink, and cry (sometimes while boinking, or after, which might explain Paris' lack of self-esteem.)
  7. Daydream about how much better the film would be if it were called The Odyssey and dealt exclusively with Sean Bean, who can actually act.
  8. Try not to picture how much better the film would be if ANYONE ELSE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD HAD BEEN CAST AS ACHILLES.
  9. Studiously ignore the fact that Achilles, a Greek warrior, seems to be very familiar with Nietzsche and suffering from post-modern ennui.
  10. Pray to Apollo, the Sun God, and ask for that 2 hours and 45 minutes of your life back.
Posted by Big Arm Woman at June 18, 2004 08:04 AM

11. Wait for it to come out on DVD then use said DVD for skeet shooting, playing catch with a dog you don't like, using its reflective properties to blind passing drivers, and/or placing within a microwave you no longer need and watching the pretty sparks that result.


Posted by: Myria at June 18, 2004 05:44 PM

Why in the world did you go see Troy in the 1st place?

My condolences on the loss of 3 good hours.

Posted by: Emily Nelson at June 18, 2004 06:47 PM

Emily -

See, I have these "friends" who wanted to do "something fun" after work. I want a friend exchange and a fun refund.

Though it was either Troy or The Stepford Wives, so I went for the beefcake, as oily and awkwardly posed as it was. The director has a big ol' man crush on Brad Pitt and his biceps, and this becomes apparent about 2 minutes into the flick, as the camera lingers on Pitt's pitts in every shot he's in.

Then it just gets funny.

Posted by: BAW at June 18, 2004 10:56 PM

I would have gone for the Cake du Bouef also, except that Carrie is in Stepford Wives for a "moment".

I'll be childless week of June 28 so let's do "something fun" that is not a "mindless Pittfest" that week. I'd see Dodgeball in a minute.

Posted by: Belle at June 19, 2004 02:43 PM

12. Shout "Blue Steel!" everytime Achilles gives one of those Zoolander pouts.

Posted by: F451 at June 20, 2004 09:27 PM

how about
13) Freeze the sex scene with Orlando Bloom naked and just watch that for 3 hours... thats a much better waste of time then actually watching the movie...

Posted by: Peri at June 21, 2004 10:07 AM

BAW, I insist that you repost this at my place. Brilliant. And I was actually considering seeing this tripe too. Will save my ducats for Shrek 2.

Posted by: Sasha Castel at June 22, 2004 05:32 AM

Oh, BAM, get off your hypercritical academic high horse and forget you ever read the Iliad! Troy is an old-fashioned swords & sandals Hollywood epic with very nice 21st century digital effects, a much better waste of $6 (matinee price; your mileage may vary) than that overblown epic of yesteryear, Gladiator. Everybody likes bashing Brad, but he created a plausible Achilles who triumphs through sheer athleticism. OK, Bana and Orlando were so-so, and Diane Kruger as Helen could launch maybe 723 ships at most. But Peter O'Toole was great as Lear minus the dementia, Brian Cox engagingly nasty as Agamemnon the proto-imperialist, and I really liked Sean Bean as the pragmatic Odysseus. The Normandy invasion on the coast of Anatolia, ignorant armies clashing by day instead of night, moralizing minimized, what's not to like?

Posted by: Ralph Hitchens at June 25, 2004 04:03 PM