How To Become Rich In 2019

May 25, 2004

We'll Always Have Paris

To which I reply, "Why? Why must we have Paris Hilton in our lives, on our tv screens, and plastered all over the front of every magazine adorning my checkout lines?" I hate Paris Hilton. Not because she's a vapid whore, a spoiled brat with no concept of reality, or possibly the most self-absorbed twit in the world, but because she's everywhere and there's absolutely no reason for it! Gah!

There are much prettier vapid whores out there to ogle: Britney, anyone? There are spoiled brats who are at least entertaining to mock--pick a star under age 25 and have at it--and self-absorption? Everywhere. Throw a dart into the crowd at a movie premiere and I guarantee you'll whack an overfull receptacle of self-love, possibly sporting a Kabbalah bracelet.

So WHY? Why Paris Hilton? She of the plastic surgery that hasn't really made her attractive, poor fashion sense, and inability to do, well, anything? I reached my Hilton saturation point about a year and a half ago; incidentally that was about the same time as I first heard about her. Now I'm irrationally angry at her very existence. She is not news, people! Please take her out of your trashy gossip rags so that I may peruse them in peace!

And while you're at it, please forward me the name of her publicist. This person is obviously amazingly talented if he or she can transform a mediocre-looking, no-talent nobody into a cash machine, and I'd like a piece of that action. I have a son to put through college. Of course, the publicist might actually be the devil, in which case the deal is off. Come to think of it, the devil angle is the only rational explanation for the Hilton phenomenon. Never mind.

Posted by Big Arm Woman at May 25, 2004 10:46 AM
Comments

Yes! Exactly. I wish I'd said that.

Thank you for expressing my own disgust and revulsion at the inexplicable fawning over this person.

Posted by: Duane at May 25, 2004 11:20 AM

Everyone who thinks it was a coincidence that her sex video was loosed upon an unsuspecting Internet THE WEEK BEFORE HER TV SHOW DEBUTED, please hie thee to the "too dumb to live" pen. Thank you.

Posted by: Lex at May 25, 2004 11:32 AM

It's the train wreck phenomenon. We watched the first few minutes of the first episode of The Simple Life by accident. Then we wound up watching the whole series.

It was horrifying to realize that there were people like Paris and Nicole, but heartening to see the reactions of Middle America--both disgust and pity.

The emptiness of their lives stands in stark relief to the fullness of those they meet.

And their behavior is simply unbelievable.

Posted by: Winston Smith at May 25, 2004 01:17 PM

It's the same reason people watch the Jerry Springer show. You see these people and are able to feel superior. Plus, there's the shock factor, like "I can't believe she wore that in public!"
We seem to have become a nation of peeking toms and voyeurs.

Posted by: Junebugg at May 25, 2004 06:59 PM

Interestingly enough we have actually seen this before. Does the name Zsa Zsa Gabor ring a bell with anyone? She was famous mainly because she was famous, if that makes sense. Also of interest Ms. Gabor was married to one of the Hiltons She was married to Conrad. He is the great grandfather of Paris and Nicky

Posted by: Jeff at May 25, 2004 10:05 PM

I've heard her mentioned on Imus but have been blissfully unaware of it all. The keys seem to be (1) no TV and (2) use the U-scan checkout lanes in supermarkets.

Incidentally the U-scan machines can be used as coin converters if you have a jug of pennies and don't want to pay 10% at the cash cow. Tip for frugal living.

Posted by: Ron Hardin at May 26, 2004 05:28 AM

Now, that's just not fair. Paris can walk a mean runway. I bet she could kick your ass in a walk-off.

Posted by: Emily at May 26, 2004 11:53 AM

Emily -

Oh, yeah? Would that be before or AFTER she falls off her motorcycle on the way to the event? She's grace personified, that one.

I would totally out-Zoolander that skinny biyatch.

Posted by: BAW at May 26, 2004 01:09 PM

Zsa Zsa was pretty and had a fetching accent.

Posted by: Laura at May 27, 2004 01:08 PM

Why does North America reward this person? Because we're programed to do so. The problem is not with this stereo-typical spoiled and tanlentless bimbo who makes porn and becomes America's Sweetheart. The problem is us. No one stands up and tells it like it is. Paris is a product and most of us are programed to consume her. America's forgiveness and "understanding" is just another sick sign of how imbedded our facination with celebrity realy is. Everyone is OK with her porn tape, no one minds she has not earned a thing in her life, including your attention - yet there she is. Just like Hugh Grant... this guy get caught, red handed with a prostitute... CHEATING on his wife. Hey no problem Hugh, we all make mistakes, its ok you make a contribution to the abuse of women while simultaniously putting your wife at risk of an STD. Where I come from - you're sent to "John School" and the public is none to "forgiving" So here comes Paris, one of America's favorite new products and suddenly porn is cool, treating people like human garbage is o.k. and not earning anything or possessing even the basic fundimental knowledge of what is expected of a real adult in reality... becomes funny, engaging entertainment. Stop consuming her and hopefully you stop her power.

Posted by: Derrick at June 9, 2004 06:58 PM