March 24, 2004

Conversations With Grandma

So my folks came to visit again. Let me insert the gratuitous "I love them, BUT" sentence right off the bat so you know where I'm coming from:

I love my parents dearly, but when it comes to The Boy, it seems that the patented parental "offspring hot-button pusher" goes into overdrive, and I go into exasperated sarcasm mode. Isn't it fun that no matter how old you get, you can always find your inner fourteen-year-old smartass? Yeah, I'm so proud of that fact, too. Not.

So anyway, here's a sample conversation from their last visit:

G - What's that on his neck?

BAW - It's a little rash. Noticed it yesterday--I think he's allergic to the red dye in his Blue's Clue's pajamas.

G - Has he eaten anything new?

BAW - No, it looks like contact dermatitis. The only new thing he's had on were those pajamas.

G - Are you sure? Is he allergic to nuts?

BAW - He eats PB&J; every day of his life. I would have noticed an allergy by now.

G - .But...

BAW - It's the pajamas, I'm pretty sure.

G - Did you...


Dinner is consumed

G - He needs to eat more.

BAW - He gets enough. No sense turning the whole thing into a battle. He's hungry, he eats.

G - But he's so skinny!

BAW - Have you seen his father? Or pictures of me when I was little? You recall I spent most of my childhood resembling a lollipop with feet and hair, right? A SHORT lollipop.

G - But you ate!

BAW - That's not what you said four years ago. You told me I only ate carrots and that they turned me orange.

G - At least it was a vegetable.

BAW - And thus, the miracle of vitamin supplements were born. Which he takes. Daily. And he still manages to grow.

G - See if he'll eat this carrot.


BAW - Mom...

G - I'm just afraid he's not eating enough.

BAW - Because neither I nor the pediatrician would notice the rickets or other obvious signs of malnutrition. Come here, boy! Show grandma how straight your legs are!

G - Oh, fine. Mock me. When you're a grandma, you'll understand.

BAW - See, that's the catch isn't it? You used to say, "When you're a mother, you'll understand." Now that I am one, you're all, "When you're a grandma." That's convenient. I am sensing a plot.

After Dinner Relaxing with Coffee

G - I think that rash is spreading.

BAW - What? Oh, for the love of--I'll call the after-hours people, okay?

One Phone Call with a Very Understanding Nurse Later

G - What did they say?

BAW - Unless he starts swelling or bleeding out of his eyeballs, we should just put cortizone cream on it.

G - You're being facetious.

BAW - Not about the cortizone.

G - What is he--he's going to break his neck! Come down from there, sweetie!

The Boy - Lookame, Granmommie! Whee!

BAW - Well, if he does break his neck we won't have to worry about the rash, will we?

G - But what if it's a symptom?

BAW - Of what? Scarlet fever? Plague? MOM. It's. Just. A. RASH. Relax. He has cortizone cream, the evil pajamas have been banished, and he's acting like a crazy man. He's fine.

G - I just worry.

BAW - I promise he's not gonna swell, perish of rickets or ebola or break his neck in the next 24 to 48 hours, okay? Will you just relax and kiss your grandson goodnight now?

G - Okay. Goodnight sweetie.

The Boy
- 'Night, Granmommie.

Blessed Moment of Silence

G - Is he going to sleep like that?

BAW - Like what, mother?

G - Without socks.

BAW - Actually, we usually strip him naked and lash him to the deck railing, but since it's a special occasion...

G - You're impossible.

BAW - I learned from the master.

Posted by Big Arm Woman at March 24, 2004 02:23 PM

Ok, that thing I spend most of my day sitting on? No not my chair, that OTHER thing. I've officially laughed it off.

Thanks for lightening my load. :-)

Posted by: LittleA at March 24, 2004 03:59 PM

Avoid relatives. Keep phone off hook. Do not answer mail.

Posted by: Ron Hardin at March 24, 2004 06:33 PM


Damn you're good. That post made my day.

Posted by: Michelle Dulak at March 24, 2004 08:19 PM

What a hoot! I loved it. Reminds me of my x-mother-n-law and my son... a long,long time ago but just alike. Too funny not to be real.

Posted by: Billy The Blogging Poet at March 24, 2004 08:31 PM

If I didn't know better I'd swear your mother was my mother-in-law.


Posted by: Julianne at March 25, 2004 08:21 AM

Good lord that sounds way too similar to my grandmother. She drove my mom crazy, and my poor mother wasn't equipped with any sarcasm!

Posted by: Numan at March 25, 2004 03:37 PM

It could be worse. Your mother could live with you full-time, like mine does. It's like being a teenager all over again...

Posted by: Claire at March 25, 2004 03:52 PM

Oh I can so relate to Claire! What's worse is living with your mother for 10 years while your children are going through their teen years. Because I didn't lock them in their rooms, I wasn't being firm enough! Between my children and my mother, I'm still surprised I actually survived!

Posted by: Heather at March 26, 2004 09:26 PM

"Lock them in their rooms"? I would have loved that, as a teenager. I WANTED to be away from everyone, and parents wanted me to hang out and socialize with people I didn't like and didn't want to know.

Besides mom living with us, I have an 8-year-old (going on 21). When puberty hits (hers, not mine - 'I am a grown-up. Keeping saying that to yourself.') I think I'm gonna leave home for a few years and let her grandma handle it.....

Posted by: Claire at March 29, 2004 04:00 PM