March 18, 2004

Ultimate Fighting Championship, Toddler Style

"Welcome, Ladies and gentlemen, to the first annual Ultimate Fighting Championship, toddler division! The Hayes Barton Methodist Church Doves class, in cooperation with Everlast and Chuck Norris, are pleased to present a one hour cage match free-for-all in which the top contenders, representing the elite toddler fighting schools in Raleigh, will duke it out for a cup of juice and some goldfish! I'm Nick Diamond..."

"And I'm Johnny Gomez, and we'll be bringing the action to you LIVE!"

"Well, Johnny, The Sunday School teachers are prepared with band-aids and distracting toys to contain the carnage and remove the losers from the ring. Okay, everyone, heeeeeeerrrrre weeeeee goooooooooo!"

"And Penn, the crowd favorite, has waded right into the fray, seizing the coveted plastic watermelon wedge!"

"He certainly knows his way around a lethal piece of plastic fruit, doesn't he, Nick?"

"Sure does--oh, oh! Looks like Wells and Casey have taken exception to Penn's actions, and they're going for a double team!"

"That Casey, she may be little, but she's a spitfire! Ooooh! Wells makes the first move, a classic face-push right to Penn's schnoz!"

"And Casey follows it up with a forearm bite! Penn is reeling from the blows!

"Uh-oh, Nick, Wells is distracted by the snot he got on his hand from the face-push, and Penn's going to retaliate! Yes! Penn uses his superior size and weight to knock the other two down! Wells has fallen over the train set and is down for the count!"

"The wedge is free! I repeat, the WEDGE! IS! FREE!"

"But not for long, Johnny--here comes little Erin and she scoops it up on the fly!"

"Erin studies at the Shin-Toe school here in town, doesn't she, Nick?"

"Yes indeed, and we're about to see her skills in action, because Casey's hot on her trail!"

"What strategy do you think Casey will employ here, Nick?"

"Well, Johnny, Casey's a black belt from Madame Selina's Catfighting School for Proper Young Ladies, so she'll probably go for the tresses."

"But she'll have to get in close, and that could be difficult, because---OH! Erin unleashes her Shin-Toe fury and nails Casey with a one-two shin kick of doom! Casey's down and OUT OF HERE!"

"That leaves just Penn, Erin, and the plastic watermelon, Johnny. We're about to see two of the strongest fighting styles in toddlerdom go toe to toe. Shin-toe versus old school Shove and Grab wrestling."

"Penn definitely has the height and weight advantage, but Erin is quick with those steel-toed Mary Janes, so if she can elude him long enough to take out his shins...."

"This one is definitely a toss-up. The two fighters are circling each other--look at Erin taunting Penn with the plastic fruit!"

"A classic shin-toe maneuver, Nick. Get your opponent enraged and then take advantage. Looks like Penn fell for it! He lunges and grabs!"

"He's gotten Erin by the ponytail! This could be it, Johnny!"

"But wait! She's managed to twist around and OOOOOOHHHH! She's taken out Penn's knee!"

"And Penn's taken out some hair! They're both struggling Just. To. Stay. In. The. Game!"

"This is the most exciting matchup we've seen in ages! The fighters are eyeing each other--who will make the first move?"

"It's Penn! A lunge--he's got her by the dress! Wait, the bow on the back has torn off! Penn is vulnerable!"

"Those girls' dresses sure are tricky, aren't they, Nick?"

"You should know, Johnny. And Oh My Goodness! There goes the other shin! Penn is down for the count!"

"Erin Wins! The crowd goes wild! The Sunday School teachers are patching everyone up. Let's head down and interview our new champ!"

"So, Erin. You've just captured the Ultimate Fighting Championship title AND a shiny wedge of fake watermelon. Do you have anything to say?"

"No! Mine!"

"Aaaaacckk! My shins! Johnny, over to you!"

"That's all for us, ladies and gentlemen. On behalf of the Doves, Everlast, and Chuck Norris, we'd like to say thanks for watching and tune in next time for another Ultimate Fighting Championship! Good Night!"

Posted by Big Arm Woman at March 18, 2004 09:09 AM

I've got to stop reading you at work. My co-workers think I'm going insane.

Posted by: Lex at March 19, 2004 09:21 AM