October 21, 2002

I Want My Two Dollars!

I Want My Two Dollars! (Points to anyone who recognizes that pop culture reference)

Or more like $550, since that's the amount of cash I dropped a year ago on the wedding of a friend who is now--you guessed it--getting a divorce. It's not like the demise of this happy union was in any way unexpected; however, as I am not independently wealthy, reflecting on the money wasted gives me physical pain, especially when I realize that the DVD player I cannot now afford could have been paid for twice over for that amount. And I bet it would have lasted more than a year--the warranty says so.

What did I get for my $550? Let's see..

  • A lime green dress that is now 3 sizes too large (and still lime green), because I was 5 months pregnant (and carrying the fetus entirely in my ass, as I confused the term "pregnant" with "eat like a freaking moose for nine months") on the date of the nuptials.

  • A pair of matching lime green shoes that almost looked cute on the shelf but that I had to lash to my feet with twine to keep them on.

  • A bouquet that died within 2 hours of being toted down the aisle.

  • And a 1/3 share in a completely useless silver trinket box from Tiffany's™, because the other bridesmaid thought we needed to follow the Martha Stewart's Weddings book to the letter and purchase wildly expensive gifts for the rehearsal dinner in addition to the wedding presents we were required to bring, and the showers we were required to throw.

I'd just like to mention, re: the wedding presents, that my "friend" registered for Waterford™ and Wedgewood™ exclusively.

What else did I get? Surprised, when I discovered AT THE REHEARSAL that I was the matron of honor and therefore required to read a Shakespearean sonnet during the ceremony. Which I did, cold, with the preacher clutching my elbow in a death grip as I tottered up the steps in my loose shoes with my giant ass threatening to overbalance me and send me into a decorative fern.

I also got completely ignored by the groom, even as I sat NEXT TO HIM at the rehearsal dinner. No "Hi, thanks for participating in the most important day of my pathetic life thus far, " no acknowledgement of my presence (or anyone else's who wasn't an old Navy buddy) at the table, not even a "Hey, could you pass the butter?" to let me know that he was aware that the bride might have some friends, too. I considered hitting him with the ubiquitous copy of Martha Stewart's Weddings, but the other bridesmaid was afraid he might bleed on the cover.

The only saving grace was that the happy couple did not write their own vows, so we were all spared having to pretend we were "touched by the heartfelt emotion" of the ceremony. Don't know if I could have pulled that off in any case, since having your shoes tied to your feet tends to be distracting.

My husband has always complained about the numerous weddings we've had to attend and participate in over the years, and usually I can defend my friends' choices of venue, bizarre "personalized" ceremony glitches, crap food, and bad taste, mainly because in most cases I've believed in the people involved. But I think I've had it. Unless you can guarantee me, in writing, that the marriage will last longer than it takes me to pay off the credit card bills I've accrued from participating in your wedding, I will not be attending. I will, however, think of you fondly as I pop another movie into my new DVD player.

Posted by Big Arm Woman at October 21, 2002 11:18 AM

Better off dead!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Travis Banwart at December 20, 2003 06:57 AM