May 20, 2003

My Sesame Street is WAY

My Sesame Street is WAY More Exciting than Yours

I was watching Play With Me, Sesame the other day, and I had an epiphany: I hate Ernie. No, really. I hate him, with a deep, abiding hatred. Why do I hate Ernie? Because he's The Roommate From Hell.

Look, I might be revealing my inner stick-in-the-mud here, but think about Bert for a minute. He's a quiet neatnik of a guy who likes collecting paper clips and training pigeons. And who does he get for a roommate? Mr. "Hey Bert, let's play a game!" psychotic extrovert Ernie, who tramples Bert's wishes to be left alone, forces him into playing some arcane game, and then abandons him at the moment that Bert decides it's fun to play. Ernie is constantly bringing over univited guests like Cookie Monster who trash the place, installing freaking drum sets in the middle of the living room, and have you SEEN the mess he makes when he bathes? Welcome to Ernie's world, where it's All. About. Ernie. Ernie? You totally suck.

Frankly, I think Ernie is playing with fire. Bert is quiet, keeps to himself, talks to birds...I think you see where I'm going with this. I wouldn't be surprised to see the following scenario played out one day:

Ernie: (in bathtub, singing) Rubber ducky, you're the one!

There's a knock on the door, then Bert enters.

Ernie: Bert, old buddy! You startled me!

Bert: What are you doing, Ernie?

Ernie: Well, I'm just taking a bath here with my best friend, Rubber Ducky!

Bert: Your best friend? I thought I was your best friend, Ernie. (Bert's mono brow creases downward in consternation)

Ernie: Well sure, Bert! You're my best pal too!

Bert: You can only have one best friend, Ernie. That's why it's a BEST friend, not bestests friendses.

Ernie: Hey, Bert! Don't be sad, Bert! You are my best friend!

Bert: (approaching tub with hands behind back) Which is it, Ernie? Me or the duck?

Ernie: Hey, Bert? What do you have behind your back, Bert? Bert? AAARRRRRGGGHHHH!

Later, we see Bert dressed as an old woman, sitting in a rocking chair and talking to a pigeon.

Bert: You were right, pigeon. It's MUCH quieter around here now.

The pigeon coos happily, and continues pecking at its meal. Bert reaches into the dish of bird seed and extracts a fuzzy red pom pom nose.

Bert: Sorry, pigeon. Guess I didn't sift it all that thoroughly.

Posted by Big Arm Woman at May 20, 2003 06:46 AM