So today I called in to a media teleconference that was featuring one of the researchers in one of the colleges I do PR for.
Now, in order to attend a media teleconference, someone in a PR office has to give you the dial-in number and a passcode. You dial in, give the passcode, and tell the folks your name and affiliation, then you're signed in. Usually, they'll have the scientists give 5 minute presentations, then they open the floor to media questions.
To ask a question, you hit a couple of keys on the phone and you're in the question queue.
Sounds easy and civilized, right?
O.M.G. Not today. Today, after the presentation portion of the media conference, the questions began. The first two were garden-variety science writers asking follow-ups on the research.
And then some random weirdo comes on and says, "So does this mean we can ship moon crickets off of earth?"
Huh? I don't know about moon crickets, but you could hear regular crickets chirping as everyone tried to figure out what in the hell this yahoo was talking about. [ETA - apparently, the "moon cricket" thing is a racist slur, and one that was completely lost on me, as well as the others at the press conference. Seriously, I thought the guy was trying to conflate space aliens and insects, or something. Good Lord. This only makes the whole thing simultaneously worse and, if possible, more stupid. Thanks for the head's up, Skippy!]
So the mediator recovered nicely and moved on, and things went along okay until suddenly beeping was heard and some wackjob starts yelling about how he wants to talk about va-jay-jays!
At a press conference.
About astrophysics.
Yeah.
My only question? Well, perhaps I should say my most important question?
Who gave those freakjobs the number and passcode?
My job...never, ever, boring.
UPDATE - Wired liveblogged the event. Their version of events is here.
So, Hillary and Obama have departed, leaving the university feeling used, wrung out, and with a sneaking suspicion that maybe baths and an STD screening are in order. God, I've never been so happy to see two people go away in my entire life. We had random family members from both campaigns as well as the candidates themselves popping up all over campus for a month and a half, with very little notice. FYI, PR flaks aren't real big on the "very little notice" thing, even though our job description pretty much consists of doing crap with very little notice. Contrarians, the lot of us, I know.
And no, if you're asking, I did not attend all those events. I do not have time to participate in history, people! I have a JOB.
Hopefully I will have more time to do the bloggy thing now, and hopefully I will also have the time to actually be somewhat interesting.
On a lighter note, it seems as though my continued efforts at brainwashing my child are starting to bear fruit. Not only did he order water to drink - VOLUNTARILY - at a restaurant (so, okay, maybe I sort of told him that if he didn't drink water every day his kidneys would stop working and he would drop dead), when the water tasted like regular old tap water instead of our Brita-filtered goodness and I asked him what the problem was, he said:
"Well, this water doesn't taste very good...but I guess I'm just gonna have to deal with it."
And then he actually dealt with it!
Bravo, Boy! Bravo!
Twice the robo-calls, ten times the aggravation.
Last night, over the course of one hour, my home received six calls. One from the local Republican candidate running for governor, one a "poll" concerning one of the democratic candidates for governor, a random call from an organic food PAC - they call all the time, and I cannot for the life of me figure out why - two from some sort of medical association which was probably a front for a political poll, and one from our very favorite "caller unkown."
I can only imagine that the number and frequency of these calls will increase between now and next Tuesday, and I shudder to think what October will be like.
Here's a news flash, folks - we don't answer these calls. The number and caller ID appear on our TV screen as soon as the phone rings (THANKS, DIRECTV! No, really - it's a cool feature) and we put them on ignore. All you're doing is getting the name of your candidate or company embedded in our heads and associated with fiery hate at your unwanted intrusion into our lives.
LEAVE US ALONE! If I want to tell you something, I'll send you an email.
Apparently Hublet and I are part of the lucky 800,000 - the magical gummit money appeared in the checking account this a.m.
And being the good patriotic citizens we are, we have already earmarked the cash for a trip to Boston.
Double-plus good patriotic duty-doers, we!
I've come to realize that my parents have what I like to call parenting schizophrenia, the unique ability to vacillate between being convinced that a) We're overworked, overburdened and exhausted, and b) We're lazy.
Usually it amuses me, particularly when they come up to help the overworked, overburdened child, despite said child's protests that it isn't necessary for her septugenarian parents to whirl into town, whip themselves into a frenzy of yard and housework, and then collapse on the sofa, crippled and drained of all energy. Not that I don't appreciate the help, but part of the schizophrenia is their insistence that I have too much stuff, combined with their resistance to my actually getting RID of said stuff. And so we have conversations like this one:
Mom: I cleaned all those coffee mugs out of the cabinet - do you want to put them in storage?
Me: Nope. We'll just give them to Goodwill.
Mom: Are you sure?
Me: Did you see how many mugs there were? Did you notice that I can still serve coffee to 16 people at a time, even with the mugs gone? I don't feel like toting them around - maybe someone else can use them.
Mom: (goes and gets box of mugs, pulls one out and shows it to me) What about this Christmas mug?
Me: Nope.
Mom: (methodically unpacks each mug that she had previously methodically packed and shows them to me - all 2 boxes worth) This Halloween mug?
Me: Nuh-uh.
Mom: Stonehenge?
Me: No.
Mom: Star Trek?
Me: No.
Mom: This one?
Me: Mom. No. I do not need them. I do not use them. They have been in that cabinet for a decade, and I no longer wish to be burdened with their presence!
Mom: Your Maw-maw gave you this one!
Me: When I was twelve. Yes. And while I appreciate that, I am not attached to a coffee mug with a unicorn on it.
Mom: This one's cute.
Dad: (piping up from the recliner) Do NOT bring that stuff into our house and clutter up the place!
Mom: But I could drop the rest by Goodwill.
Dad: You always say that, and then it just sits in the garage. You don't need a mug.
Me: There's a Goodwill right down the road; we'll take the stuff there.
The Boy: I want to go there now!
Me: It's 8:00 p.m. They're closed.
Mom: (looks sceptical about my ability to take boxes to Goodwill) Well, okay. (Sets mug she thinks is cute beside her purse)
Dad: (sighs and grumbles about shoulder injury he received while overdoing it in the backyard, despite being told not to by his daughter.)
Me: (sighs) Look. Can we all just sit here and chill?
Mom: (rolls eyes at her shiftless, feckless child who should totally be working around the house until at least 10 p.m.!) But there's so much to do!
Me: And you don't have to do it!
Blessed Moment of Silence, and Then:
Mom: So what about that Christmas china you wanted to get rid of?
Oh my God. Ever have one of those days where you just want to crawl under your desk and die? Okay, today is that day for me.
Every week, I have to sit in on a conference call meeting on a topic dear to the heart of one of our colleges. They've hired an outside PR firm, so basically all I do is listen without contributing, to make sure that the budget doesn't get out of control.
Usually it's fine. The issue is sort of political, so they are focusing on an information campaign with op-eds, info. ads, etc.
Except that the PR guy for the college that's involved keeps bringing up the idea of using the op-eds as a call to get readers to write letters to the editor in favor of our position.
This is a big no-no, and he's been told this before. The University cannot advocate a particular political position, or encourage political action on the part of anyone else.
So again today, I'm sitting at my desk, reading a report, when college pr guy brings up the idea again.
A loud "NO!!" Burst forth from me before I could control it.
Then I hear, "Hello? Hello?" from the conference call.
As there is no way in hell to soften that particular faux pas, I chose to clam up and bang my head on my desk a few times rather than admit to my outburst. Of course, it's not like they didn't know it was me, but I'm hoping I can pass it off as a technical glitch, instead of as my intense irritation with the college pr guy - with whom I have to work closely on a regular basis.
Dear God, I am embarrassed. Although on the bright side, at least I didn't let fly with the profanity.
Thank God it's Friday. And at least you guys can get a chuckle out of my lingering embarrassment.
And I'll pay attention to the election stuff. Because thus far, all I've discovered about politics in 2008 are the following:
- "Smart" equals "Better than you." Or it should, dammit.
- The corollary to the first point is this: "Smart" is defined as having the correct political opinions. The correct political opinions are the ones held by the person calling him/herself smart. Ergo, all smart people think correctly, correct thinking is smart, and anyone holding a different political opinion is therefore stupid and should die in a fire. QED.
- The definition of "working class" differs according to the state where it's being applied, and the size of the population that can be shoehorned into the working class, particularly where vote pandering is concerned.
- People are always shocked, shocked! That folks on their side of the aisle can act as horribly as folks on the "evil, other side," especially when the "evil" actions on their side are directed against the candidate they support.
- The definition of "evil" can include asking legitimate questions of a candidate you support and/or making remarks which could be construed as critical of said candidate.
- No one wants to resort to negative campaigning, except to mention all the ways in which they COULD have campaigned negatively before rejecting the negative campaign strategy.
- Similarly, all candidates have moved beyond race, gender and age issues, and will point that out by telling the voters how wrapped up in race, gender and age issues the other candidates are, or by subtly reminding the voters that the other candidates are of a different race, gender, or age than they are.
- Policy discussions must avoid "getting bogged down" in things like plans or strategy or details, to avoid "confusing the voters."
- The only people who will have to pay higher taxes are always those who "deserve it," and the definition of this class of people varies in size and income levels based upon the number of "working class voters" in the voter population being addressed.
I'm sure my list is incomplete, but my sense of self-preservation has prevented me from thinking about this any further, because I'm not in the mood to reconstitute my head post-explosion.
